you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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