my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize