as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
