I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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