My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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