My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
