i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
