That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
