he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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