My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
