My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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