3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You can't motorboat a personality
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize