I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
