I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
