I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
