After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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