forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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