I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
