dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
