I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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