I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
