apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
