I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
