Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
