neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
