just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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