just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
