If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
