so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize