The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
