Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
