He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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