dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
