she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
