1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
