You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
