shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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