why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
