im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
