i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
