It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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