Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
