i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
