Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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