that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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