new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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