just come out here and I will go home with you...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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