Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
