I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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