I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
