So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
my poor anus
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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