I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Do vagina's smell?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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