Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
