You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
