I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
