I seem to have left my pride at pride
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize