I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
