The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
