i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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