She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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