just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
